THE WACKO JACKO VARIETY HOUR
Why don't we just go ahead and change the name of this column to "What Crazy Thing Has Michael Jackson Done in the Last 24 Hours?" Seriously, that's what it's turning into. (Mike Ausiello sure picked a fine time to go "on assignment.") Yesterday, the King of Pop and Grand Poobah of Weird nearly got himself arrested before finally showing up over an hour late to his child-molestation trial. His attorney explained that the delay was due to a severe back problem that required the singer to visit the ER. (And the PJs Jacko wore to court? Uh, they were due to a severe mental problem, we suspect.) When his accuser's testimony resumed, he alleged that Janet's brother had served him "Jesus juice" and told him that if guys don't masturbate, they might lose control and rape a girl. God help us. |
AND IN THIS CORNER...
Since Jay Leno still can't tell jokes about Jacko on The Tonight Show, he cleverly found a way to make a joke about the embattled freakazoid: The funnyman arrived "tardy" for Thursday's taping of Show wearing SpongeBob SquarePants pajamas and flanked by bodyguards. |
PLAYING DIRTY
A former staffer of Madonna's Maverick Films company is suing her and a bunch of other execs, claiming she was sexually harassed and wrongfully canned. Did somebody accidentally give out Madge's Sex photo album instead of the corporate handbook? |
NOW SHE'S MODEST
Yesterday, a suit was filed against the owners of a Las Vegas condominium project whose ad reads, "Dear Tara Reid... Come let it all hang out" — a coy reference to her, ahem, overexposure at P. Diddy's birthday party last year. The boobie-barer's motion claims that the firm is making her out to be "sexually lewd or immoral." When, in fact, she is clearly just trashy and dumb. |
BIG TROUBLE
At her federal perjury trial yesterday, Lil' Kim tried to convince jurors that she was getting a bum rap. And just in case they didn't automatically believe she'd been bullied by prosecutors into lying under oath regarding a 2001 shootout, the hip-hop star dropped the names of some famous friends and got caught chatting up a juror during lunch hour. |
WHERE'S THE HATE?
Ah, here it is: A music video for "We Are Family" featuring whippersnapper faves ranging from SpongeBob to Miss Piggy is being distributed to more than 60,000 schools to promote tolerance of diversity — and of course, conservatives are freaking out. The editor of the American Family Association's journal has asserted that "one of the differences being celebrated [by the project] is homosexuality." And as everyone knows, gay kids are not to be accepted but rather mocked, cast out or beaten. Nice. |
GOING OUT ON TOP
About 2 million more viewers tuned in for Dan Rather's final CBS Evening News broadcast Wednesday than had watched him the week before. Fickle, people. Fickle. He was succeeded yesterday by Washington correspondent Bob Schieffer. |
INNOCENCE LOST
During a 60 Minutes interview airing Sunday, George Lucas predicts that Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith will be the first installment of his space-opera series to get slapped with a PG-13 rating. But then, at some point, he probably also thought people would like Jar Jar. |
REMATCH
Danny DeVito has inked a deal to direct the Fox pilot Queen B, in which Miss Match's Alicia Silverstone plays a gal who is stung by the realization that she sees herself vastly differently than the people around her do. So, like, does that mean she thinks she's got the makings of a TV starlet? |
SO HIP, IT HURTS
Once she's done plugging her autobiography (due out next month), Jane Fonda will undergo hip-replacement surgery. Man, I knew all that exercise she did in the '80s was gonna come back to her! |
FEAR NOT
Although he upchucked after watching contestants drink rats mixed in a blender, a Fear Factor viewer's $2.5 million lawsuit against the gross-out reality show has been tossed out of court. Personally, I still hope the families of the rodents sue. |
ANIMAL PLANET
In far better news for our four-legged friends, a number of just-unveiled Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. series treat critters with the respect they deserve: Nick Jr.'s Dora the Explorer spin-off Go, Diego, Go! follows a youngster as he rescues creatures great and small, and The Wonder Pets features opera-singing animals. Meanwhile, Nick Sr.'s Catscratch focuses on a feline family that inherits a bundle from their elderly owner. |
IS PILOT SEASON ALMOST OVER?
'Cause, frankly, I'm getting tired of writing about every Tom, Dick and Harry who gets cast in a show that has, at best, a 50/50 chance of ever airing. The latest: Erstwhile Hercules Kevin Sorbo plays a quarterback mentoring his successor (soap studlet Thad Luckinbill) in Bobby Cannon; Spin City slicker Alan Ruck plays Third Rock alien Kristen Johnson's gay husband in Don't Ask; and American Dreams' Gail O'Grady plays a realtor in Hot Properties. |
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT
Rapper-actress Eve has signed up to star in and produce a Showtime bio about Merle Soden (aka Conscious), the HIV-positive lesbian producer of Queen Latifah's short-lived chatfest. |
GONE TOO SOON
Up-and-comer Nicole DeHuff — smacked with a volleyball by Ben Stiller in her movie debut, Meet the Parents — has died of complications from pneumonia at the age of 31. |
